Are You The Default Parent?
Do you ever find yourself in that moment – usually when you're doing something super unglamorous, like fishing a school permission slip out of the recycling at 8am – where you think...
I wonder what it's like to not be the default parent.
Like, what is it like to just... exist in the house without automatically knowing which child needs new shoes, what's for dinner, whether the flu shots are due?
What is it like to live in that blissful ether where someone else just... handles it?
I've sat with a lot of women in this exact moment. And what I've noticed is that the primitive brain has two very loud responses to it.
The first is: this is unfair. I hate IT. This is bullsh*t.
Which is completely fair. But also – exhausting to live in, because nothing actually changes.
The second is what one of my clients landed on after some coaching.
Instead of fighting the reality of being the one who holds it all together, we came up with the thought: Who better to do it than me?
As a genuine choice. Because when she got honest with me, she didn't actually want him doing a lot of the stuff – because he wouldn't do it the way she does it. And that thought completely changed how she started handling her home and relationship.
Now – I want to be clear. That isn't the answer for everyone.
Some of my clients are genuinely burnt out and carrying more than is sustainable, and in those cases, we do something different entirely: we figure out how to have the conversation with their partner that actually sits well. Because sometimes the load needs to be redistributed.
But here's what's true for both women: the primitive brain is what's keeping them stuck. Either stuck in the resentment spiral, or stuck in the burnout and unable to ask for help.
And that's what coaching untangles.
If you want to go deeper on this, specifically what you should be expected to do week to week, I did a whole episode (#2) on demands versus resources on the Unlock Your Time podcast. It’s a very data-driven exercise that will define “too busy” for you.
